I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize