im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
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He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
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Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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