I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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