1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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