So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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