Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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