You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
