youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
we made out on top of his cat.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
