My liver just broke up with me...
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
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I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
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I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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