Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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