I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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