Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
