Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
