worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
