I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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