why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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