if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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