Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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