She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
