Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
FUCK WHALES
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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