I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
