bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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