I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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