A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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