thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Actions speak louder than pants.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
