im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
...so i touched it.
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
