I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
