u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
