Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
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