Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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