Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
