I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
