I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
