i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
