you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
