does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
zippers are such a cool invention
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
