He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
