i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
