Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
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so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
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Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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