I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
