Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
