i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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