I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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