I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
We just shotgunned beers for America
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months