In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
