i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
