i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
