Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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