I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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