I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
