i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Drake has all the answers
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
