Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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