After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
